When Someone You Love Has a Memory Disorder

When you visit Aunt Dorothy, you never know if she’ll be living in the present or back in 1942. You love her—but do your visits make any difference to a person with Alzheimer’s disease?

How Does it Feel?

How Does it Feel?

“Oh, yes,” says Michelle Motsko, licensed social worker and executive director of Arden Courts, an assisted living facility in Allentown for people with memory-related diseases. “Many people back off when a friend or relative has Alzheimer’s. They don’t know how to act, don’t want to face it or fear it will happen to them. But don’t give up! The person needs you more than ever.”

Over 4 million Americans suffer from Alzheimer’s and other types of dementia, says Francis Salerno, M.D., chief of geriatrics at Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network and medical director of Country Meadows in Allentown. Researchers are working actively to pinpoint the exact cause of these disorders. “As the brain gradually deteriorates,” Salerno says, “the patient loses intellectual function in key areas such as speech, memory and spatial skills.

“The disease progresses at different rates in different people, and memory problems don’t show up right away,” he says. “In the early stages, people have trouble with things like shopping, banking, using a phone or driving a car.” It’s a difficult time, as the family becomes aware there’s a problem but never knows when it will occur, says Wendy Conway, who directs the Alzheimer’s unit at Country Meadows.

Over time, Alzheimer’s can cause wandering, sleeplessness, aggressive behavior and even hallucinations. “Eventually, not only the brain but other body systems are affected,” Salerno says. “Incontinence is often what prompts the decision to move the person to a nursing home.”

If someone you love shows early signs of Alzheimer’s, get a professional evaluation right away. “The symptoms may be something else, such as medication side effects or thyroid disease,” Salerno says. And while there is no cure for Alzheimer’s, treatment can slow its progress.

Meanwhile, friends and family play a vital role for both patient and family. What can you do?

• Learn all you can about the disease and how it’s affecting the person. Find out what she can and can’t do now, so you’ll know how to interact with her.
  
  
• Stay in touch. People with early Alzheimer’s often isolate themselves for fear of making social mistakes. It’s important to help them stay connected. At later stages you can still take the person for walks, bring favorite treats, look at photo albums, play old music—or just sit quietly together.
  
  
• Don’t take it personally if the person says something hurtful. “It’s frustration at the disease, not at you,” Conway says.
  
  
• Alzheimer’s-proof your house if the person will be spending time there. Keep clutter and noise (including television and radio) to a minimum and eliminate hazards like wet floors.
  
  
• Promote independence as long as possible. “Within the bounds of safety, if there are things the person can still do, let her,” Motsko says. “It’s important for her dignity.”
  
  
• Use appropriate language: short, simple statements and concrete words.
  
  
• Don’t force reality. Asking “Don’t you remember me?” is putting the person on the spot, and nobody likes that. If Aunt Dorothy is back in the 1940s, join her there; talk about that time. Alzheimer’s patients lose their recent memories much more than their distant past, Salerno says. “Reminiscing takes them to a place of comfort.”
  
  
• Help the family. Especially if the patient still lives at home, family caregivers carry heavy emotional as well as physical burdens. Pitch in with the chores or shopping, or give the spouse a respite by watching the patient for a few hours.
  
  And when the person doesn’t seem to know who you are? “I firmly believe they do know—they just can’t express it anymore,” Conway says. “You have to work with where this person is now. But it’s still the same soul and spirit, down inside.”

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